I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Did you just see the Batmobile???
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
