Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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