Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
