After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
