I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
