I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
if i died would you start the facebook group?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
