Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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