You're my little dorito
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
