Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
