by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
