She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm getting married
To pizza
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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