Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My feet surprised me
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
