I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
