I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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