I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
