One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
