I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
