We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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