can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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