upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
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