Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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