Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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