Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
This is the high leading the old right now
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
