Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
