maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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