You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
