At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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