i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
