I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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