last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
