Yo dont text me then not text me
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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