Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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