The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
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