Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
