i don't like sucking hair
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
