Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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