anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
