Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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