bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
