I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
