My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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