new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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