Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
