the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
