I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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