Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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