What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
