ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
