a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
