Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
